So close...

Well, we are coming to the end of this current pregnancy. I can't believe how quickly it has gone. I have had thoughts of, "I can't have a baby yet, I'm way too busy!" However, today I finally hit an "I'm ready" stage and everything else can just take the back burner (which would have happened regardless! Phil finished an exam and is starting spring break and my week isn't nearly as packed with things to do).

I am currently just over 38 weeks. James decided to make his debut at 37 weeks so I can officially say I have never been pregnant this long before. I have been feeling quite well besides the normal uncomfortable "bigness" that comes at the end. I started my weekly appointments at 37 weeks and started to get "checked" as to my progress towards delivery. I tried really hard not to get my hopes up and did alright. So far, at each appointment, I haven't been dilated. This past week my doctor did say (after saying I was less than 1cm), "but your cervix maybe feels like it has softened up a bit"...I'm pretty sure he just said that to make me feel more hopeful! I really am fine with not being dilated at this point. As I have expressed before, I am very determined to have a VBAC so that is the only downside to not having made any progress over the past week. I just want my body to show me, even just a little sign, that it is going to work the way it is supposed to. If I can dilate to a 2, it is more than I did with James and I'm already on the path to success.

I have been concerned about feeling like a failure if I don't succeed in having a vaginal delivery this time around. I'm not quite sure why it is such a big deal for me. Part of it has to do with feeling disconnected with my baby. It took me a few weeks to truly feel like James was my baby. I wouldn't say I had postpartum depression or even baby blues that badly but I just didn't feel like I was his mother. I just felt like I was babysitting this newborn. I didn't get to bond with James much immediately after delivery due to concern for his welfare. I have seen several vaginal deliveries and each was such a spiritual experience for even me, the onlooker. I want that experience, that closeness with my child. I also am concerned that I will be limited with how many children I'll be 'allowed' to have if I end up having another c-section. I have done so much preparation with this pregnancy: read book after book, watched videos, made phil practice with me, did hospital tours, packed my hospital bag much earlier then last time, etc. I mentioned to Phil that I would be frustrated if I did end up having a c-section after all this prep and he said to me that at least I would know that I had done my part and it wasn't because I wasn't aware/prepared for birth. I do get a little anxious as my doctor said he would give me a week over my due date to go into spontaneous labor before he'd have me schedule a c-section. Having a deadline adds a little extra anxiety!

As my emotions have been so up and down about this upcoming birth, I finally feel like I have entered into a peaceful state and have accepted whatever will come. Partly, I feel prepared as mentioned above. That has made a big difference for me. Also, I have had some good appointments with my doctor where lots of questions were answered. My appointment this past week was probably the most helpful for me. I don't express my feelings too much to my doctor. However, this week I really wanted him to know my feelings about being successful in a vaginal delivery. I felt that I was able to get that across to him and for some reason, that has helped me feel much more content. Phil also gave me a blessing this past week which has been a great strength as well. So, when it is all said and done, I really think that I will feel content and peaceful, regardless of the outcome. I'm not going to say I won't be slightly disappointed if I do have a c-section, but I think I'm going to be just fine...much better than last time.

I am very excited about the arrival of this little girl. I can't wait to meet those little feet that love to poke my upper right abdomen day and night; who likes to be active when I'm trying to sleep; who makes me smile when she makes my tummy move all around. I hope I can be so good to her. It is amazing at how much you can love something that you haven't even met yet! Wish us good luck!